saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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