She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize