What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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