so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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