im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize