I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
