Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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