How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize