Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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