Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
