I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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