just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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