after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
