I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
someone owes me an orgasm
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
