I wish i was in the wii world.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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