As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's shark week go big or go home
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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