I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize