The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
