You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
