Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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