in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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