Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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