Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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