There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
