dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't deserve a penis
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
