Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
