Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
