Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
