i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
