I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
