mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
