Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize