Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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