I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
