just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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