I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
