you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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