can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
