i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
