if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My hand turned me down
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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