I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
