I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
