Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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