i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
