me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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