I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
