All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize