Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
