hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
