then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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