Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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