im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
