420 ftw
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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