I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
