4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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