my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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