Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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