Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You're breaking my sexual little heart
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
