Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sober January is a disaster.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize