1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
