Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
