I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
