uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize