I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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