Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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