Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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