God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize