it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
