see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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